OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
