Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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