You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
