Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
