I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
