Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
you're hired as official boob wrangler
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
