i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
