My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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