i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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