you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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