Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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