The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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