I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My life is pants optional.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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