please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
