Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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