i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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