i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize