How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
