Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
