life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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