I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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