You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
