I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
