Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
