Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
