Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
