Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I think people are normalizing furries
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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