Your face is a jimmy john
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
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