I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
