I think I just saw someone hide a body.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
