my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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