i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
