I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
