You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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