so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
