Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
