I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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