At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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