Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Everything about him screamed your future.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
