It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
