My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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