I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize