Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
