please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
