everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
