Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
