I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm having to shit out rocks
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
