the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
