No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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