Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
