i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
