i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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