Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
