he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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