Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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