I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
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