I met the friendliest cop last night
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
