my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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