Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
