Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
