Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
