dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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